Saturday, February 28, 2009

@ 12:12 AM

i haven't really been home the past few days, except to sleep or to change. the valentine's post have been 75% done, but i don't find it right to be published yet. i feel bad, towards many people.

first, my mum. i've always wished to make things closer, but sometimes i feel that she doesn't want to. i love her, and i hope i can show her with no hesitation. i hope there'll come a day she'll accept it.

second, my 6peoples. they've turned from dead sleep logs to become 24hours hotline, just in case anything happens to me. yeah it's a very rough patch in my life, but rougher for them i guess. i love you guys, thank you =) when i need you guys, all of you will always be there. none of you will ever get the idea that you're spare tyres, because i know, you understand my reason =) it's really great to have known all of you through these years, you guys definitely made a difference.

third, my darling bitch. these few days i've really been neglecting you i'm so sorry. my holidays have just arrived and i have so much catching up to do. i know i should not be very unavailable for you, but i feel that i've shared so much of my pain with you, and there are just many things i think i should spare you. because for me, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll curse, you'll just do everything because you feel for me. i wish for you not be to misunderstood or even be less happy because of me. the issue has kind of affected you quite abit even though it's like my problem in the first place, i really don't want you to get hurt for nothing bitch. hope you'll understand. i love you =D

fourth, jeffrey, a friend who really cares and goes the extra mile to help. he's someone who will risk his almost every other thing within his means to help you. although it seems that he's over protective and some even get the wrong idea about me and him, but i know that he's just worried when i'm having late night outs on bikes and stuff. thanks friend, for always lending me a listening ear. i'll learn to behave. thanks for trying to understand me when everything's against me. you're one of the few who will believe me, and i'm really sorry for being a person so hard to understand =) xin ku ni le !!!

fifth, it will be him. you made me really stronger. i know you have your reasons to what you're doing, i'll try to be understanding. thanks for the very short memories. don't feel any more pressurized by me, i'll promise that whatever's supposed to stay inside, will always by inside. no more comedy, no more commotion, no more drama, no more rumours. i just want peace for everything =)


something really impactful happened today. i was supposed to meet siang downstairs of my block at 7pm. i waited till 8pm but to no avail. i rang up his phone about 100times, no answer. i checked with the civil defence downstairs my block, they said can't be traced. i called up 4 hospitals but no records were found. the defence people kept tracking, but couldn't find. all the expressways, everywhere. i searched everywhere i could think of. i called up almost everyone. i cried my eyes out. i was so frantic, i was so afraid that something might have happened to you on the way. i was almost insane.
finally i took a cab down to your place, banged on your window for almost an hour. just to realize, you were sleeping ...............

for the first time in the 7years i've known you, i don't know how to face you. i know i looked very angry, but i wasn't. i'm very shocked, i don't know what was going on in my mind. nobody could believe it. until now, the feeling is still so strong. how am i gonna utter another word to you now?
i know that you've always liked me alot, waited for so long, but i never ever once accepted that affection. for the 5years, i don't know what message to send so that you won't misunderstand. today, i don't know how to not mislead you, because i care the whole lot for you, but i don't love you one bit as a lover. my reaction was so fervent, because i don't wanna lose you, but not as what you were thinking of. no i've not realized any love for you, that's why i ran away when i saw you instead of running towards to hug you. because i wanna be your good friend, only that forever.

i went down to atrium to vent on basketball with jeffrey just now. he passed me the give up "message". although from the day i saw him i already knew i should, it still came down very hard on me. all these while, i refuse to habour any expectations or longing for anything further to happen. but it doesn't mean my feelings have wavered. i know i could keep those feelings inside, but when he said that all the courage i had was suddenly gone. where was my determination? i thought i was strong, but i'm wrong. it's like i knew the fact, but some part of me don't wish for it to come true. why do you have to say it before i've succeeded in doing it?

i know no one understands the perspective taken by me towards this matter, i know what i'm doing is totally absurd, but please, keep the comments to yourselves, spare me from it. because sometimes, it isn't me who choose to be outta control. have a little sympathy towards me =)

everything seems all so numb to me now that i don't know what to do. to laugh, to cry, to brawl, or to swear. i feel suffocated, and i know i can't really take it. perhaps i've really learnt not to react too fast, because i haven't been reacting for so long. i've heard so many things, but i choose to act like i've not heard, or act that it doesn't affect me.

why is it that i find it so hard to show or tell people how i feel right on the spot? i used to be able to do it readily in the past. why does everything i do seem wierd to people now? is it like part of growing up? have i really changed too much? for the past month, i've lost myself, my friends feel that they've lost me. i haven't found the new me, so my friends have no one to accept yet.

why is everything so difficult now? can i just lay in my bed with ice cream in my hands and watch a silent movie? i wanna be free of everything. would it be better if i didn't care for anyone? then it wouldn't be so sad for me now.

i don't wanna break down.
will he tell me that it's alright?
will god just tell me what is going on in the little game he's playing in my life?

Saturday, February 28, 2009

@ 12:12 AM

i haven't really been home the past few days, except to sleep or to change. the valentine's post have been 75% done, but i don't find it right to be published yet. i feel bad, towards many people.

first, my mum. i've always wished to make things closer, but sometimes i feel that she doesn't want to. i love her, and i hope i can show her with no hesitation. i hope there'll come a day she'll accept it.

second, my 6peoples. they've turned from dead sleep logs to become 24hours hotline, just in case anything happens to me. yeah it's a very rough patch in my life, but rougher for them i guess. i love you guys, thank you =) when i need you guys, all of you will always be there. none of you will ever get the idea that you're spare tyres, because i know, you understand my reason =) it's really great to have known all of you through these years, you guys definitely made a difference.

third, my darling bitch. these few days i've really been neglecting you i'm so sorry. my holidays have just arrived and i have so much catching up to do. i know i should not be very unavailable for you, but i feel that i've shared so much of my pain with you, and there are just many things i think i should spare you. because for me, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll curse, you'll just do everything because you feel for me. i wish for you not be to misunderstood or even be less happy because of me. the issue has kind of affected you quite abit even though it's like my problem in the first place, i really don't want you to get hurt for nothing bitch. hope you'll understand. i love you =D

fourth, jeffrey, a friend who really cares and goes the extra mile to help. he's someone who will risk his almost every other thing within his means to help you. although it seems that he's over protective and some even get the wrong idea about me and him, but i know that he's just worried when i'm having late night outs on bikes and stuff. thanks friend, for always lending me a listening ear. i'll learn to behave. thanks for trying to understand me when everything's against me. you're one of the few who will believe me, and i'm really sorry for being a person so hard to understand =) xin ku ni le !!!

fifth, it will be him. you made me really stronger. i know you have your reasons to what you're doing, i'll try to be understanding. thanks for the very short memories. don't feel any more pressurized by me, i'll promise that whatever's supposed to stay inside, will always by inside. no more comedy, no more commotion, no more drama, no more rumours. i just want peace for everything =)


something really impactful happened today. i was supposed to meet siang downstairs of my block at 7pm. i waited till 8pm but to no avail. i rang up his phone about 100times, no answer. i checked with the civil defence downstairs my block, they said can't be traced. i called up 4 hospitals but no records were found. the defence people kept tracking, but couldn't find. all the expressways, everywhere. i searched everywhere i could think of. i called up almost everyone. i cried my eyes out. i was so frantic, i was so afraid that something might have happened to you on the way. i was almost insane.
finally i took a cab down to your place, banged on your window for almost an hour. just to realize, you were sleeping ...............

for the first time in the 7years i've known you, i don't know how to face you. i know i looked very angry, but i wasn't. i'm very shocked, i don't know what was going on in my mind. nobody could believe it. until now, the feeling is still so strong. how am i gonna utter another word to you now?
i know that you've always liked me alot, waited for so long, but i never ever once accepted that affection. for the 5years, i don't know what message to send so that you won't misunderstand. today, i don't know how to not mislead you, because i care the whole lot for you, but i don't love you one bit as a lover. my reaction was so fervent, because i don't wanna lose you, but not as what you were thinking of. no i've not realized any love for you, that's why i ran away when i saw you instead of running towards to hug you. because i wanna be your good friend, only that forever.

i went down to atrium to vent on basketball with jeffrey just now. he passed me the give up "message". although from the day i saw him i already knew i should, it still came down very hard on me. all these while, i refuse to habour any expectations or longing for anything further to happen. but it doesn't mean my feelings have wavered. i know i could keep those feelings inside, but when he said that all the courage i had was suddenly gone. where was my determination? i thought i was strong, but i'm wrong. it's like i knew the fact, but some part of me don't wish for it to come true. why do you have to say it before i've succeeded in doing it?

i know no one understands the perspective taken by me towards this matter, i know what i'm doing is totally absurd, but please, keep the comments to yourselves, spare me from it. because sometimes, it isn't me who choose to be outta control. have a little sympathy towards me =)

everything seems all so numb to me now that i don't know what to do. to laugh, to cry, to brawl, or to swear. i feel suffocated, and i know i can't really take it. perhaps i've really learnt not to react too fast, because i haven't been reacting for so long. i've heard so many things, but i choose to act like i've not heard, or act that it doesn't affect me.

why is it that i find it so hard to show or tell people how i feel right on the spot? i used to be able to do it readily in the past. why does everything i do seem wierd to people now? is it like part of growing up? have i really changed too much? for the past month, i've lost myself, my friends feel that they've lost me. i haven't found the new me, so my friends have no one to accept yet.

why is everything so difficult now? can i just lay in my bed with ice cream in my hands and watch a silent movie? i wanna be free of everything. would it be better if i didn't care for anyone? then it wouldn't be so sad for me now.

i don't wanna break down.
will he tell me that it's alright?
will god just tell me what is going on in the little game he's playing in my life?